matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
