I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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