Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
