I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
