life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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