Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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