Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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