theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i am craving dick and cupcakes
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
