oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
