I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
