Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
