it was like having sex with a tree stump
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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