yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
