I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
