I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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