omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
