i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
