her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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