Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
