OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
