It's like a parade of train wrecks.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
