FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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