She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
