I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
