Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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