We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
