if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Randomize
