i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
