if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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