She's JV to your varsity
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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