I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
