I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
