you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
