my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
