good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
