i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
