I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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