He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
