just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
