y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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