I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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