Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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