i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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