I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
