I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize