You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The beer is more important than you right now.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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