my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
