i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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