I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
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