i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you didnt know i had herpes?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
