He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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