I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
