My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
