We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
