Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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