Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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