she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
