Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
