Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
